Thursday

About the whole thing...I don't know how I feel anymore.

I am understandably mistrustful of my feelings.

Whatever they are.

Who knows?

I miss him.

The days go by so quickly that I feel dizzy. On Monday I lament not sleeping all weekend, but when I leave work, it's already Friday, and I am deposited into the weekend, which I always promise myself to make some use of.

But of course I never do.

I wonder, Is this what life is? Is it just in-and-out days...and then you die?

It's difficult to imagine much more of this, but if I am lucky (Or if I am unlucky), I've got sixty years to go of in-and-out daze.

I live for my art. I live in reckless blind pursuit of it. I have a job that feeds me well and leaves me with enough energy to keep running once I set the keys down on the counter. I play much harder than I work, people like to see my face, and I am in good health when I am rinsing my sinuses once a day. I should be happy, I should be ecstatic. Instead I just feel.... ?

Last night I went dancing for the first time in a long time at the Vanguard for Scion's House Party. Van She Tech played a poppy set and I danced as if my life depended on it. It sort of did. If I had not danced last night, who knows where I would be right now!

When they played "One More Time," my heart lifted into the closest I will ever experience to a religious experience. The dance floor was pleasantly sparse. The music took me over and I moved my body as it directed me. There are few things that move me so, that I release myself so uninhibitedly to, that I can trust completely, and enjoy sincerely.

Dancing is the only time I feel truly undeniably happy. I close my eyes and there is only light.

The only other time I have ever felt so whole and content is when he came home from London and we folded into each other on the bed and everything in the universe moved. Our skin burned with light and our flesh-seams dissolved.

I used to listen for his homecoming, for the rattle of the bike lock against the rack, and I would run out to the railing, and he would smile up at me. I could look at him forever and never grow tired of it.

I don't know what happened and I don't know what's happening now.

At about 2:00 my time today Radiohead randomly played in my headphones. In a final effort, I closed my eyes and sent my love to you, like I did almost one year ago. I made myself a promise that I dare not say out loud.

And wherever you were, did our favorite song come on? Did your heart skip a beat? Did you see me fleeing from shadow to shadow?

My grief is my honor and I do myself wrong to deny it.

So here it is, laid out clearly for you to dissect and study.

In a few years this may read like a naive girl's dream.

But for now, it is very very real.