All of a sudden, I find myself diving into feminist blogs, reading article after article, sifting through user comments for good insightful debates. Today I visited the gynecologist's office, which, of course, brought a very specific attention to my gender. And as I waited for the doctor to arrive, the following ran through my head:
"I have never felt completely fulfilled by my gender/sex."
Ever since I was a child, there has always been some part of me that wants to be male, or at least not entirely female. Even as a child I balked at selecting only one sex in the identification section of standardized tests. My current Facebook profile displays neither sex and I wish I could figure out a way to remove my sex from my MySpace! If you must know exactly how I feel about it, it's this: I'm just me.
I've never been interested in traditionally "female" things. For instance, I wanted to play hockey. My mother could not bare it, so instead she signed me up for figure skating classes. Which I still liked because I'm an athletic person, but really, I had wanted to play hockey!
My mother would say, "Well, if you want to be a boy so badly, then why don't you cut your hair short!" And of course, I would recant, because I wanted long hair. Similarly, I like my body. I like my breasts, I like my hips, and I really like my vagina (Except for the slight yeast infection I seem to be battling still!). But I would also really like a penis, and the most I have to work with is a sparkly purple strap-on.
I'm aggressive in my romantic pursuits, and the relationship role I feel most comfortable in is provider. I've always fantasized about coming home to a househusband. I like it when I am the only woman left on a bike ride. I like it when someone mistakes me for a boy. I feel more comfortable in more "masculine" social settings. I prefer leadership positions. I like paying for my date. And while I am not fond of skirts or dresses, there are few things I find more sexually appealing than a man in a dress.
I despise, denounce, and reject things I deem "girly."
After diving into these feminist articles, however, I found myself drowning once I realized that some of my thinking is flawed. To categorize behaviors and preferences as "masculine" and "feminine" denies a person his or her humanity. I have fallen prey to the very conventions I loathe. Men and women are people, and by judging certain women for being "too girly" and by viewing "masculine" traits as more desirable, I am only assisting the problem
At the same time, I do just really like the boys' club!
Traditions and conventions are hard to kick, especially when our media is saturated with them. And maybe some of them exist because there is some pattern of truth to them.
What I really should be worried about is myself, and pursuing the things that make me happy, whether it's cracking open a beer and watching a skate video or riding my pink road bike around. I am who I am and I like to do certain things. A large portion of those things could be perceived as "masculine," but really they're just activities and preferences. A woman is not bad because she is "girly" and goes to get manicures and wears heels and watches Sex and the City. She's just a person who gets manicures, wears heels, and watches Sex and the City. A man can be into all those things too.
And when I feel like I don't fit in because I am not enough this or not enough that, I need to remember that everyone else feels exactly the same way.
And you're invited! (Click on the flier for details!)
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2 comments:
Liz, I think it was Kinsey who wrote that there is a spectrum between MACHO-MACHO-MAN and GIRLY-GIRLY-WOMAN. He also wrote that we skate (or slide) along that continuum, depending on a lot of factors, including mood and hormonal balance. So we are never fully MACHO-MACHO or GIRLY-GIRLY. Add to that the fact that we all start as females and somewhere along the line, some become males and others remain female. And, on top of all of that, as we age, men become more like women and women become more like men. This is just a way of saying that what you are experiencing now (or even before) is quite normal. Most people, however, repress these feelings of ambiguity and stick to one "team" or the other and never look back. We all have male and female charactristics, ying-yang and if you spin the wheel fast enough, black and white blur into one color. BTW having a penis is not all that big of a deal: (1) it just dangles there, (2) it gets on the way when riding a bike, (3) doesn't always work when you want it to work, (4) sometimes it works when you don't want it to work,(5) it is subject to diseases...the list goes on and on...so hang on to what you got (in a manner of speaking) and enjoy life as you were meant to enjoy it. (One advantage of having one, howeve,r si that you can pee standing up and even write your name on the snow.)
I never said having a penis is easy!
I would hesitate to say "enjoy life as you are MEANT to," since it is a little vague and could possibly invalidate the trans community, which may or may not be enjoying life as it is "meant" to be.
Ya know?
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