Without getting into too much detail, my ex - Samuel - and I had been on friendly speaking terms, though of course I was harboring not-so-secret reconciliation fantasies. I've been feeling the pull north, so I put in vacation time at work to visit San Francisco in August. I was going to stay with Samuel.
I am not sure how it came up, but I was saying some fairly Romantic (Capital R) things when he revealed that one of the greatest reasons we have no romantic (Lowercase R) future is because he wants a family - children - and I am adamantly against childbearing.
As I've expressed in more fictional terms, I have learned the vale of compromise, and I am willing to change certain aspects of myself if I believe it will improve me because I have some prideful bad habits I could certainly do without. But opting out of children is a personal conviction aligned with my entire world view, and that's something I will not change.
I was initially furious and unleashed a tirade of rather unkind words that I really don't regret for a lot of reasons. I cannot tell you why exactly it angered me so much. It felt like a betrayal, it felt like a joke, it felt like an insult. As he continued to proclaim his affections for me and express his total uncertainty he was also erecting a barrier between us. I understand that people change, but we had always rejoiced in our shared anti-children beliefs, so to hear those words out of his mouth completely pulled the rug out from under me, and the man I once loved seemed to die instantly. I have nothing against those who choose to have children, but someone who is willing to give up a partner like me for something that may or may not happen is someone I really have no care to know.
Samuel has changed in a way that no longer interests me. Just to see his name written here already feels foreign. Merely thinking of him used to make my heart glow, now there is nothing, my mind rejects it altogether. I wish I could say I feel better, but I really just feel numb, shell-shocked. I try to feel sad, but no tears come to my eyes. I try to feel angry, but no heat comes to my blood. I try to feel happy, but no lightness comes to my mind. I try to feel relieved, but no sigh comes to my lips. I would like to say I am fond of the time we had together, but I'm not, I'm indifferent. For now he feels like just another man I've bedded, thrown into the washing machine with the rest of my laundry. Perhaps as time passes I'll untie the knot of anger in my gut and peel away strands of happy memories. But for now, nothing apart from a dull sense of disgust.
Rationally I am not angry, I do not blame him, and I do not judge him for his desires, but he is now a stranger to me. I always thought that the family issue was an invention of television sitcoms, supermarket rags, and Sex and the City, but I guess it can be a truly dividing factor, especially as I get older. And that's the other upsetting aspect of this: it's a signal of my continued aging. At twenty-four I still feel like a child, but I forget that people my age are married and some of them already have children. I don't want to grow up and I don't want the people around me to prove that I am doing it anyway, despite myself.
Anyway, I am sure this is not the last I will speak of or to him, I've learned that this break up is happening in cycles. Eventually one day I will hang up the phone and never think of him again. And that's okay. I am really in no rush.
Like I said, I don't feel better, but I do feel a little more motivated. I have to admit I've been trying to lose weight, but not through any sort of particular diet or exercise regiment, just through better lifestyle choices. It's working and that's rewarding. I'm writing, I'm looking for work, I've decided - after much personal debate - to let my gorgeous hair grow long again, I'm keeping my apartment clean and orderly, and I am trying to let my acne heal instead of constantly picking at it.
I went for a swim in the courtyard pool and now that it's finally warm enough outside to heat the water, it's quite refreshing after riding home and before dinner. Maybe it was a baptism.
I am debating fetching a Toblerone chocolate bar from Trader Joe's. I am not about to start denying myself the things I really want. Not when I am just beginning to let myself go.
And don't forget to cry at your own burial.
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2 comments:
Liz, wishing to have children is a deeply seated human emotion/desire. Without it, the human race would have died off long time ago. Having said that, however, not every one is fit for having children, nor should everyone have children. There is an old Spanish saying that goes like this: "Al que Dios no le da hijos, el Diablo le da sobrinos."
I would have to respectfully disagree. Some of us have absolutely no desire to chave children and believe in "voluntary extinction."
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