Tuesday: Writing

Riding home from work on a Tuesday afternoon, I suddenly relapsed so hard into my darkness that I became violently physically ill.

I had been doing so well when a certain thread of thought crept into me, and I found myself reeling backwards into an abyss. The inexplicable tears stung my eyes as my vision blotted with purple. My stomach heaved, I felt lightheaded.

I stopped immediately, throwing the bike down on the sidewalk, and I fell to the curb in a heap of trembling sobs. I closed my eyes and I shook with a pain I couldn't understand. I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach and was now standing on my chest. I struggled to breathe but I choked instead. A dull roar rose in my ears. I hunched over, gripping myself, lost in a chaotic place of suffocating hurt.

Slowly the world came back in around me, first the wind in the trees, then the birds chirping within them, a few distant errant dogs, and finally the sound of cars slowing down to view me, but never stopping or saying a word.

Writing (Tuesday) July 21 2009