Friday

What exactly was I thinking when I bought this half-off piece of shit coffee?



Oh, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking, "Oh, it's half-off. That's $3.50."

I must have also been thinking about how much I hate myself.

Even at the time, standing before the coffee section, directing my gaze halfway and below, I had a vision of myself, doing exactly this.

In this divination I saw Yours Truly lamenting her "thrifty" purchase of Black Mountain Gold's Cinnamon Crumb Cake flavored "Premium Gourmet" Coffee. I saw myself crying every morning as I brewed it, left with no other alternative to feed my addiction. I witnessed my parallel fate as well, wherein I'd bought my favorite Coffee Bean House Blend and went to work whistling.

But you know what? The Coffee Bean was like, $10.00, as opposed to Black Mountain Gold's $3.50 - and this, my friends, was a Bailout Buy.

I said to myself, "It's not like I drink it for the taste. I drink it to QUELL THAT DEMON DESIRE I'VE CAREFULLY HARVESTED IN THE ALL-NIGHTERS OF MY COLLEGE CAREER."

That's like when you find out there's not going to be any hot water for a day and you're like, "Pish-posh, who's afraid of a cold shower?"

This coffee, as its reduced price suggests, is neither "premium" nor "gourmet." It fact, it tastes as if they took the worst beans from the Folger's factory and decided to scam folks out of a little bit more money. As if the packaging wasn't dodgy enough, "Cinnamon Crumb Cake" should have been an omen.

An omen I failed to heed.

That'll teach me.